One of the least discussed issues among Muslims is the issue of dealing with toxic parents. Maybe because we try to uphold the status of parents in Islam, or maybe because nearly all cultures of the world place a serious importance on respecting parents.

Whatever our reasons, we cannot ignore the truth that sometimes, a parent’s actions or decisions may be toxic or detrimental to the life of a child.

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When does parenting become toxic?

As a parent, I have come to understand that despite our best efforts, we should recognize that sometimes we make some decisions that may be serving our own purposes rather than that of the child.

Or that sometimes, even our own personalities may just be toxic to our children and those around us.

Examples of Toxic Behaviours from Parents

  1.   Forcing the child to study a certain degree
  2.   Forcing the child to marry from a certain race, tribe or social class
  3.   Emotionally manipulating the child to doing what they want
  4.   Verbally abusive towards the child
  5.   Restricting their movement or interaction for no reason
  6.   Being unreasonably emotionally and financially dependent
  7.   Physically abusive towards the child
  8.   Passive aggressiveness
  9.   Not giving the child room to grow and discover themselves

These behaviours are unfortunately quite common amongst Muslim families and may cause a rift between children and their parents.

When parents make decisions that are not good for children, their actions become toxic to the life of the child. But rather than rebel and respond with more negativity, there are ways that a Muslim child can bring such parents around, or at least cope with them.

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1. Understand their Position

Sometimes, parents are only adults who are also trying to figure out life. They do not have mastery of life and will make their decisions based on their experience and what they think is right.

At some point in my life, my father insisted that I study a certain degree at the University. This wasn’t the degree that he studied, but in his opinion, people in this field of study earn more income than their peers and he wanted to see me successful.

With a combination of me being able to talk my way out of studying the course and Allah (swt)’s predestination, I ended up studying a different degree. But the experience teaches you that parents sometimes makes these decisions from what they think is best.

It is possible to feel anger and resentment when parents make such decisions for you, but you need to try to understand their position before you deal with the issue at hand.

Understanding that he made this decision from a place of love helped me be able to rationally defend myself instead of rebelling.

2. Be Ready to Dialogue

Often, parents also do not like to be challenged. But to deal with any toxicity from them, you need to be able to talk to them in a respectful manner. Explain things from your point of view and help them to understand you.

There is usually a lot of generational gap between us and our parents, and this may affect communication between us.

Maybe it will work if you tried to convince your father that choosing a university outside of your home city will help your chances of getting good jobs or internship placements, for example?

Communication is important when dealing with toxic parents and we need to be able to have conversations that challenge the negativity that they are putting in our lives.

3. Show Kindness and Understanding

“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” (Qur’an 31:14)

In a hadith narrated by Abdullah, he asked the Prophet (saw) “Which deed is the dearest to Allah?” He replied, “To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times.” I asked, “What is the next (in goodness)?” He replied, “To be good and dutiful to your parents” (Bukhari)

Kindness and understanding towards parents come from a place of being good to our parents. It comes from our readiness to obey them and give them the deference that is due to them as parents.

4. Help them Seek Help

When we talk of tolerating parents’ excesses, showing them kindness, etc., we should understand that in some situations, there may be the need to speak out and seek the help of non-family members in resolving issues.

It is especially advisable to seek help in the case of violence, but even in cases where you have toxicity due to generational differences, it may be advisable to bring in trusted parties who can mediate.

Maybe the Imam at your local masjid? Or a respected uncle who can mediate with your parents? One thing that helps with navigating dealing with your parents is enlisting the help of another adult who has the capacity to see things from an unbiased perspective.

5. Pray for Them

It may be that this toxicity that you are experiencing is not because your parents are bad people. It may be that like all of us, they are humans who are trying to navigate life in the best way that they know how to.

Whichever the case, sending prayers upon them is a rewarding act that may bring relief to the tension between us. Here is an important dua from the Qur’an that you can make:

  1.               رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

“My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.” (Qur’an 17:24)

To buttress the importance of obedience to parents, the verse before this addresses this issue where Allah (swt) said “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.”

In conclusion, we should understand that human interactions, especially within families, does get really complex sometimes, but as Muslims who are committed to strengthening the ties of kinship, dealing with toxic parents is a test from Allah (swt). A test which we should always seek His help to pass.

Related Video: Parents in Islam – Nouman Ali Khan

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