One of the least discussed issues among Muslims is the issue of dealing with toxic parents. Maybe because we try to uphold the status of parents in Islam, or maybe because nearly all cultures of the world place a serious importance on respecting parents.
Whatever our reasons, we cannot ignore the truth that sometimes, a parent’s actions or decisions may be toxic or detrimental to the life of a child.
When does parenting become toxic?
As a parent, I have come to understand that despite our best efforts, we should recognize that sometimes we make some decisions that may be serving our own purposes rather than that of the child.
Or that sometimes, even our own personalities may just be toxic to our children and those around us.
Examples of Toxic Behaviours from Parents
- Forcing the child to study a certain degree
- Forcing the child to marry from a certain race, tribe or social class
- Emotionally manipulating the child to doing what they want
- Verbally abusive towards the child
- Restricting their movement or interaction for no reason
- Being unreasonably emotionally and financially dependent
- Physically abusive towards the child
- Passive aggressiveness
- Not giving the child room to grow and discover themselves
These behaviours are unfortunately quite common amongst Muslim families and may cause a rift between children and their parents.
When parents make decisions that are not good for children, their actions become toxic to the life of the child. But rather than rebel and respond with more negativity, there are ways that a Muslim child can bring such parents around, or at least cope with them.
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1. Understand their Position
Sometimes, parents are only adults who are also trying to figure out life. They do not have mastery of life and will make their decisions based on their experience and what they think is right.
At some point in my life, my father insisted that I study a certain degree at the University. This wasn’t the degree that he studied, but in his opinion, people in this field of study earn more income than their peers and he wanted to see me successful.
With a combination of me being able to talk my way out of studying the course and Allah (swt)’s predestination, I ended up studying a different degree. But the experience teaches you that parents sometimes makes these decisions from what they think is best.
It is possible to feel anger and resentment when parents make such decisions for you, but you need to try to understand their position before you deal with the issue at hand.
Understanding that he made this decision from a place of love helped me be able to rationally defend myself instead of rebelling.
2. Be Ready to Dialogue
Often, parents also do not like to be challenged. But to deal with any toxicity from them, you need to be able to talk to them in a respectful manner. Explain things from your point of view and help them to understand you.
There is usually a lot of generational gap between us and our parents, and this may affect communication between us.
Maybe it will work if you tried to convince your father that choosing a university outside of your home city will help your chances of getting good jobs or internship placements, for example?
Communication is important when dealing with toxic parents and we need to be able to have conversations that challenge the negativity that they are putting in our lives.
3. Show Kindness and Understanding
“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” (Qur’an 31:14)
In a hadith narrated by Abdullah, he asked the Prophet (saw) “Which deed is the dearest to Allah?” He replied, “To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times.” I asked, “What is the next (in goodness)?” He replied, “To be good and dutiful to your parents” (Bukhari)
Kindness and understanding towards parents come from a place of being good to our parents. It comes from our readiness to obey them and give them the deference that is due to them as parents.
4. Help them Seek Help
When we talk of tolerating parents’ excesses, showing them kindness, etc., we should understand that in some situations, there may be the need to speak out and seek the help of non-family members in resolving issues.
It is especially advisable to seek help in the case of violence, but even in cases where you have toxicity due to generational differences, it may be advisable to bring in trusted parties who can mediate.
Maybe the Imam at your local masjid? Or a respected uncle who can mediate with your parents? One thing that helps with navigating dealing with your parents is enlisting the help of another adult who has the capacity to see things from an unbiased perspective.
5. Pray for Them
It may be that this toxicity that you are experiencing is not because your parents are bad people. It may be that like all of us, they are humans who are trying to navigate life in the best way that they know how to.
Whichever the case, sending prayers upon them is a rewarding act that may bring relief to the tension between us. Here is an important dua from the Qur’an that you can make:
- رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
“My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.” (Qur’an 17:24)
To buttress the importance of obedience to parents, the verse before this addresses this issue where Allah (swt) said “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.”
In conclusion, we should understand that human interactions, especially within families, does get really complex sometimes, but as Muslims who are committed to strengthening the ties of kinship, dealing with toxic parents is a test from Allah (swt). A test which we should always seek His help to pass.
Related Video: Parents in Islam – Nouman Ali Khan
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ASSALAAMU ALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAH WABARAKATUHU
MAY ALLAH SUBHANO WATA ALA make situation easy for both the parties.We shouldn’t use word toxic .It is shaytan that make different situation tough in different relations.ALLAH SUBHANO WATA AALA make everything easy to carry on,so seek HIS help.Children should try to understand,their parents,try to correct themselves,so there can be some easy way out,to tackle the situation.Prayer and patience in tough situation.
MAY ALLAH SUBHANO WATA ALA ease every tough task Ameen.
ASSALAMU ALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAH WABARAKATUHU
Erm, if Allah (SWT) eased everyone’s problems just because people prayed to Him for Him to do so, we’d all be living cushty lives and not be tested in any way. Notice the word? Test, it’s all a test.
Children should definitely try to put themselves in their parents’ shoes and try to understand them. But, should it not also be vice versa? Should parents not be expected to understand their children and put themselves in their child’s shoes? They were once children, but children were never once adults.
I can appreciate this article and hope there are more blog posts in the future on this site and others alike about the struggle we have nowadays with trying to lead Islamic lives in today’s society whilst also being dutiful trophy children.
I am a 28 year old female who, unfortunately, feels dead inside due to all the restrictions my parents place on me, their manipulative behaviour towards me in order to control my every move and thought, and due to the difficulty we are presented with in being ‘normal’ people whilst doing our best to please not only religious requirements but cultural ones too.
It’s a shame that not enough is highlighted about the rights that sons and daughters in Islam have, the focus is always on the parents and how they should be respected and you should never talk back, etc. What about if a daughter DOES adhere to all these rules and the rules placed on her by her parents AND she still is seen as a bad person by said parents?
What is a person to do in that situation?
It’s unfortunate that mental health isn’t spoken about enough on such public Islamic platforms because men and women in my position with toxic parents end up with mental health issues we have to live with for the rest of our lives. Nobody talks about our rights as sons and daughters and I hope to see someone, anyone, start that conversation on a huge level in the near future.
ASSALAAMU ALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAH WABARKATUHU
Sr. Ayesha,
May ALLAH SUBHANU WATA AALA ease your problem ,and any body facing similar sort of difficulties Aameen.
I n any relation,we should try to have patience and try to increase our Islamic knowledge,since insufficient knowledge about Islam is the reason for spoiling the relations.Try to say Surah Fatiha and AYTAL QURSEE more,as it help in getting rid off shytan ,and help in guiding each one in the right direction.When the situation is favourable try to talk with your parents,to convence ,pray to Allah SUBHANU WATA AALA and do dua along with darood,since ALLAH SUBHANU WATA AALA loves each one much more than our parents,don’t neglect your Salah at proper time,as much we love ALLAH SUBHANU WATA AALA,send more durood insha ALLAH TALA problems will be sorted out.May ALLAH SUBHANU WATA AALA give you happiness and blessings in this world and Jannate Firdous here after Aameen
With best wishes,
Alveera
ASSALAAMU ALIKUM WARAHMATULLAH WABARAKATUHU
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My comment just completely went over your head didn’t it…
I shouldn’t have bothered.
ASSALAAMU ALAIKUM WRAHMATULLAH WABARAKATUHU
Sister Ayesha,
Please say LAWHOLA WALA QUTA ILLA BILLAHIL ALI YIL AZEEM ,after every salah or any time ,it is good for depression and remove shytan also,that make bad atmosphere in any relation..Try to see translation of Quran when ever possible,you will feel relief and peace of mind,insha Allah Tala.As much we come towards Allah Subhanu Wata Aala,we feel mentally relieved.
Try to do duty of parents ,they will love you more and understand you!
May Allah SUBHANU WATA AALA remove your hardships,and make loving pleasant atmosphere in your family and each muslim families Aameen.
With best wishes
Alveera
ASSALAAMU ALIKUM WARAHMATULLAH WABARAKATUHU